he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
