OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
