You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
