Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
