I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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