Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
