There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
