lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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