Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
