Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
