i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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