I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
