You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
