And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
