you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
