there's paper in my vomit.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
