im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
