Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
