Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
