I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
