Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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