You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
