I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
