my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
