dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
