You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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