My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
