Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
