Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
