I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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