You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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