I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
