Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
