I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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