So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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