i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
