Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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