That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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