I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
