they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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