never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
