i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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