God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
