He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
