I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
