the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
