i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
