oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
