The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
