i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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